My Shame, a story of coming out

My name is Susan and I want to tell you what happened to me
recently. I'm doing this because right now I feel guilt, and remorse,
and most of all because I can't tell my husband, Peter (not his real
name), but I have to tell someone. Maybe publishing this anonymously
on the web will help cleanse the shame I feel right now. Please do not
think I am writing this to boast about what I did or at the time
wanted. This is a true story and my name really is Susan, but I have
changed other details to remain anonymous.

I live in a major city, lets say, Orlando, Florida. Peter is a
Physician, specializing in facial reconstructive surgery. We are very
well off, residing in a secure, guarded, and private development. The
average cost of a house where I live is in excess of one million
dollars. I married Peter when I was nineteen and have never had to
work or want for anything. My marriage is strong and I love Peter
dearly, but I must admit I become very bored with life at times. Life
with Peter is very structured and always run by the clock. We even
make love on schedule. I have often wondered what it would be like to
have a different lover, who would do different things, other than what
Peter and I do. With Peter our love making is always the same. Not
that it isn't wonderful, but I always know what to expect. The entire
session may last fifteen minutes, with Peter always on top, and always
climaxing on schedule. I wish sometimes that I could be on top, or
that he would mount me from behind, with my bottom raised high, or
that I could take him in my mouth. Well, I guess I don't have to
wonder anymore and in some ways I'm glad of what happened. And I guess
also that my shame is somewhat mixed with thoughts of doing it again.
Anyway, this is my story and I hope writing it to so many people
purges the unpleasant feelings that I've been getting lately.

Chapter 2. Massage by Paul

About six weeks ago, I was having my hair done at a private
salon. On the way out I picked up a brochure laying on the desk that
advertised other personal services offered the select clients of the
salon. I didn't read it until I got home, made myself a drink, and
curled up on the couch to relax. Most of the advertising was about
things like weight loss programs, facial treatments, nail clinics, and
so on. One, though, stood out by itself. "Massage by Paul, a
personalized experience". I wondered what personalized meant. A
massage sounded really interesting. I had never had one before and as
I thought about it, the prospect of a man, a stranger, touching my
back and legs, sounded somewhat appealing. After all, massages were
perfectly legitimate and quite acceptable in upper class circles. I
wondered where the massage clinic was and decided to write and request
more information.

Two weeks went by and I received a small package from "Massage
by Paul", containing a write-up of Paul's credentials and a glossy
color brochure of services and prices. Paul was a licensed, registered
masseuse, and a registered nurse. His business had been in operation
for about one year and his clientele was limited to a small select
group of upper class women. The brochure listed three basic packages.
The first was titled "Pamper", and included a forty-five minute
massage, in the clinic, at a cost of two hundred dollars. The second
package was called "Pamper Plus", and included a one and a half hour
massage, a pedicure, and fingernail treatment, a therapy pool session,
and a facial. The cost was stated as five hundred dollars. The last
package was the "Wellness Treatment", and included a wellness exam,
facial, nail treatment, massage, and specialized options, and could be
scheduled at the clinic or at the clients home. The cost for the
complete treatment, with options, was fifteen hundred dollars. The
brochure really sparked my interest, and I pondered and fantasized on
all the possibilities offered. I didn't worry about the cost. I had my
own banking account and even the expensive "Wellness Treatment" would
not pose any financial problems. The more I thought about a good
massage, the more convinced I became that I should try it. I was a
little scared, but after all, other ladies probably did this all the
time. Why should I deny myself of a little pampering and pleasure. And
I wouldn't be doing anything wrong, because massages were quite
acceptable in today's society. I wondered whether or not I should tell
Peter about what I planned to do. I decided that it was no different
than going to the beauty salon and Peter had no interest in that kind
of thing. He really didn't need to know. There was a telephone number
at the bottom of the brochure and while I was still excited about the
idea, I decided to call. On the second ring the telephone was answered
and a pleasant sounding woman said, "Massage by Paul, may I help you?"
I told her I was interested in scheduling an appointment for a
massage. She asked, " May I have your name please", and when I told
her she put me on hold. After about one minute she came back on the
line and said my name was already listed as a part of the special
client list that Paul maintained and how could they be of help. I told
her I received Paul's brochure and I was interested in one of the
packages, but I wasn't sure which one. She replied that since this was
the first time I contacted the clinic, that "I would highly recommend
the 'Wellness Treatment' because Paul will learn more details about
you and could better serve you later." She asked would I like to come
to the clinic or would I like Paul to visit my home. I hadn't
considered having the massage at home, although it did seem logical to
be in one's own private quarters, rather than a place filled with
people, with the constant interruptions of telephones, messages,
questions, and so on. I said, "Yes, I think that it would be more
convenient if Paul would come to my home and I will go with your
suggestion for the 'Wellness Treatment' package.". Paul's schedule
had a free morning on the following Monday, she said, would that be
suitable. I told her that was perfect and she confirmed that Paul
would be at my home at 8:00am. I told her I had never had a massage
before and was there anything I needed to do in preparation. She said
that a nice hot shower before the session would help me relax and
soften the skin. I thanked her and hung up the phone. I had done it
and I practically ran around the large home, trying to figure out the
best place for the massage. My mind even considered the bedroom, and
then I thought that might be pushing it somewhat, and I quickly
discarded the idea. I was so excited at the thought of another man
touching me and the idea that I would be practically naked. What would
I wear, I thought. A bra and panties. That seemed to be too personal
and I ran to my bedroom to look at the possible clothes I should wear.
A thought then ran through my head of what it might be like if I had
no clothes on at all. I shivered with excitement and immediately
chastised myself for letting my mind run into forbidden territory. I
was a married woman of three years, had everything I could possible
dream of, and I had no right in entertaining such evil thoughts. I
would have a relaxing massage and that would be the end of it.

Chapter 3. Anticipation

Peter came home at his scheduled time and announced that he was going
to attend a two day seminar in NewYork on Monday and Tuesday. He would
catch the early bird shuttle flight Monday morning and return home on
Tuesday night. He had done this several times in the past, so it was
no surprise to me when he told me this time. I told him that I
understood and I hoped he enjoyed the seminar. I felt a little guilty
that he would be away when I planned my Monday massage, but it quickly
disappeared, and I convinced myself that it would probably be safer.
There would be no fear of Peter suddenly coming home early, even
though that rarely happened. Or if he decided to take the day off,
which never happened. In any case, I felt calmer about the situation
and relaxed my inner thoughts and fears.

It took forever for Monday to arrive, and when it finally did,
I was so nervous I could hardly sit still. Peter was up very early and
said his good-byes, with his usual formality, leaving precisely on
schedule at 5:45am. I still hadn't decided what clothes to wear, and I
looked once more in my clothes closet. I finally settled on wearing my
house robe, with a bikini underneath. I thought wearing a bikini would
add more dignity to the situation, and both the masseuse Paul and I
would be more comfortable. It seemed to take forever for eight
o'clock, and the closer it got the more butterflies I felt. You would
have thought I was a young school girl waiting to attend her first
prom. I couldn't sit down and constantly looked through the front
window for Paul's car to arrive. At about ten minutes to eight, I ran
to my bedroom and removed the bikini, and quickly put on a new blue
colored frilly bra and matching panties. I did that on impulse,
wanting this stranger, Paul, to see me in my in my most intimate
undergarments. I stood in front of a full length mirror and wondered
what men found so attractive in me, because I knew and enjoyed the
many glances men gave me when I was in public. I am of average
height, 5'8", slim, weighing 114 pounds; a true blond with short hair.
My breasts are on the small side but firm and pointed. My areola's are
bright pink, almost red, and extend separately from my breast; my
nipples are large and very sensitive. I have a very slim waist leading
to my bottom, which I think points out to far, but apparently men like
that, from what I have read. I have long legs, well proportioned to
the rest of my body. In general I am considered very attractive and
well distributed. Sometimes when men look at me, I know they are
trying to see through my clothes and to be honest, there are times I
wish they could. I put my robe back on and hurried back to the living
room for Paul's arrival.

Chapter 4. The Arrival

At about eight ten, the front doorbell rang, and I quickly ran
to answer it. I didn't look through the peep hole, but instead
unbolted and opened the door. A very tall, well built, and extremely
good looking black man stood in the entry way. Before I could speak,
he said, "Miss Susan? I am Paul and I believe we have an appointment."
I was shocked and momentary speechless. I had never imagined that Paul
the Masseuse would be a black man. I recovered quickly and said. "Yes,
I am Susan. Won't you please come in." Paul walked in and followed me
to the living room. I gestured for him to sit down on a sofa while I
sat in a single straight back chair opposite. He was completely
hairless. His head was clean shaven, and there was no visible hair on
the exposed portion of his chest. His skin was very black and almost
had a shine to it. His arms were also hairless. I was fascinated, and
quite impressed with the perfection of the man sitting opposite me.
Paul spoke, "Miss Susan, where can we set up the massage table. While
my assistant is doing that, we can have an informative chat." I had
tried to figure out the best place for the massage, and had given up,
hoping the masseuse would make the proper suggestion, so I responded
by asking Paul where he thought might be the best place. Paul said
that a bedroom with adjoining bathroom would probably be suitable. His
voice was gentle and low, and reassuring. I began to relax a little
and let my masseuse help me with certain decisions. "Would you show me
a bedroom Miss Susan," Paul asked. He followed me through several
rooms and down a long hallway, to the master bedroom. He looked around
and said the room was perfect and he would excuse himself for a moment
to instruct his assistant as to the setting up of the equipment. I led
Paul back to the front door and went back to the living room area to
wait for him. Shortly I heard the front door open and a folded type of
table was carried in by Paul and another impressive looking black man.
Paul returned alone after a few minutes and sat down on the sofa
again. He said, "Miss Susan, may I ask you some personal question, to
help me determine your treatment? And please remember that I am a
registered nurse, so there is no reason to be nervous." I said I felt
quite relaxed and that I would try to answer his questions accurately.

He started by asking the usual questions, such as height, weight, did
I have any major diseases, past operations, broken bones, muscle
aches, and so on. But in between the general questions, a few were not
so easy to answer. When was the last time I had a complete physical?
"About a year ago," I said. Another question. Are you on any kind of
birth control regiment. I told him I was on the pill. How is my
present sexual relationship with my husband, he asked. I started to
answer quickly that it was great, but then in mid sentence, I admitted
it was terrible. Paul then asked would I like to get started. I said
that yes I was ready, and I really was. I wanted his large hands to
touch me. We walked to the bedroom.

Chapter 5. Exposure

A table was set up in an open area. The table was about two feet wide
and about six feet long. It was padded with soft looking leather and
had indents where a persons legs would go and a small elevated
headrest section. At the end of the table Paul's assistant stood and
smiled. Paul said, "Miss Susan I would like you to meet Jerome. He
will be assisting me during your treatment session." Jerome, like Paul
was very dark skinned, and also had his head shaved. He appeared to be
very muscular under his shirt. His hands, although large, had long
feminine looking fingers. I said hello to Jerome, and continued
standing where I was, waiting for Paul to say something. I did not
anticipate that two men would be looking at my semi nude, and
intimately clothed body, and the mere thought of this send a shiver of
pleasure throughout me. Paul asked, "Miss Susan, we are ready to
start. Do you need to use the bathroom before we start?" I said I did,
and went into the master bedroom bathroom. I didn't bother to close
the door, although they couldn't see the toilet located around the
corner. I felt that if they were going to touch my semi exposed body,
going to the toilet, in their presence would not be so improper.
Actually, it was one step closer in my mind to revealing myself
completely to them. I desired this, but could think of no easy way to
make it happen. And thethought of the two men hearing me urinate, for
some reason excited me, probabaly because it would be associated with
my naked mid-section and their close proximity. I opened my robe and
pulled my panties down. When I sat down to relieve myself, I noticed
that the crotch area of my panties had a wet stain on them that was
quite visible. There would be no doubt that the two men would see this
and the thought further excited me. After urinating I wiped myself
with tissue paper and confirmed that my vagina was indeed wet. Even
with the action of wiping myself, a sensation causing a wave of heat
radiated from my loins. The feelings were beyond any I experienced
with Peter, and I knew I was close to the start of something powerful.
I considered changing panties, and decided that I would let them see
me in this condition, and anyway I would probably continue to secrete.
With Peter I would get wet, but this usually happened after he started
to penetrate me. The wetness I felt then, was new to me, and I
wondered if other women reacted in the same way. I returned to the
bedroom but did not fasten the front of my robe. I held it partially
closed with my hands. I wanted to take it off and show myself to the
two men. Paul asked if I was feeling comfortable and would I get onto
the table and lay face down. I moved next to the bed and removed my
robe, folded it, and placed it on the bed. I turned and faced both of
them, feeling very exposed and vulnerable. I was experiencing a
release of surpressed, pent up desires, and an abandonment of deeply
placed restrictive morals. It was like a volcano erupting forth hot
trapped lava, as boundaries previously unscached, came tumbling down.
Instintively I knew that my dear husband Peter should have pierced my
veil of womanhood, to it's totallity. I was left to guide myself to
fulfillment and at that moment I resented Peter for not exploring my
womanhood and my sexual awareness. For putting me in a position that
craved the attention of others, was forgivable, but not trying or
exporing the depth of my passion and love, was not. There was no
stopping now, as my body mirrowed my emotions, and I sensed and felt
my nipples growing and pushing at the thin covering of my bra. I
walked over to the table and slid myself onto the soft leather
surface, face down. I positioned my legs in the recesses for them,
which spread them open to a considerable degree. Both men were
extremely well muscled and well proportioned. Paul stepped to the head
of the table, while Jerome went to the other end. I laid my head down
sideways on the comfortable headrest and felt Paul's gentle hands on
my shoulders. Jerome started to rub the back of my legs, with gentle
squeezes, and circular pushes. Paul moved his expert hands up and down
my back, stopping just short of my panties. The feeling of hands,
men's hands, over my body was exquisite. I could feel the wetness
between my legs growing larger. My breasts felt like they were
swelling, and I wished I wasn't wearing my bra or panties. The two men
continued their ministrations on my arms, neck, legs, and feet. I felt
wonderful, but still I wanted to be totally naked. My inhibitions were
replaced with desires of wanting to exhibit. Would they like what they
saw? Would they look at my private parts with want and desire, the way
I looked and wanted theirs. I was growing more and more wanton of
pleasures I had never dreamth of. I wondered what would happen next
and who should initiate the direction. I decided I didn't care any
longer, and that I would do anything to entice the two black adonises
to look at my totally naked body. I shuttered with the thought of
their eyes looking at my breasts and vagina. It was all I could do not
to yell out my thoughts. My thoughts were bringing me to a state of
arousal never attained before. I was flushing with desire for these
two men to look at me and open me with their eyes. At times Paul would
move around the table to lift an arm, or probe a back muscle, and the
bulge in his pants would be only inches from my face. I wanted to
reach out and touch him, but I was too shy and thought that it might
ruin the present wonderful feelings they were giving me, by creating
an impropriety. Jerome moved up my legs, but always stopped short of
my bottom. The two men, as if by signal, one moving up from my feet,
the other moving down from my shoulders, joined at the edges of my
panties. I exhaled air and heard myself moan as they gently kneaded my
lower back and upper leg areas. I was loosing control of my feelings
and emotions and heard myself say, "My undergarments feel so
confining. Can I take them off?" "Of course", Paul said, in a low
relaxed voice. I slid off the table and stood between the two men. I
caught Jerome's quick glance to my crotch area. I was wet and it
showed about half way up the front of my panties, and was spreading
rapidly. I was overcome with wanton desire to remove my itimate outer
garments, ands let the tabooes of inhibition be cast aside. A feeling
was growing inside my body, producing such pleasure I had difficulty
standing. With both hands I reached up to my front bra hook. I turned
my head to look a Jerome's face His eyes were rivited on my chest
area. I unhooked the bra closure and pulled each lacy coup from it's
breast. I saw and heard Jerome suck in air. My breast mounds stood out
smartly, capped by swollen and protruding pink areolas. My nipples
were hard and extended. Two men were looking at my naked breasts and I
started to lose myself to my pleasure. Lowering my gaze to Jerome's
shorts, I watched in facination as his manhood hardened and grew
erect. Something was building inside me, a feeling that was slowly and
steadily looking for release. I turned my head to my left to Paul's
smiling face. With trembling hands, I slipped my fingers under my
panty hem, and slowly brought down my last barrier of inhibition.
Looking down at Paul's shorts, I gasped, as I saw an enormous and
growing protrusion. As I stepped out of my wet panties, my legs
quivered and I had to grasp the side of the table for support. Still
watching Paul's unfolding erection, the feeling of pleasure coursing
through my body erupted, and I experienced my first true orgasm, with
two strangers watching me have it. I was so exposed, both in body and
of what was happening, that the orgasm peaked, producing a series of
body shutters, and ending in a slow trickle of juices down my inner
thighs. I stood head down, between the two men, feeling their eyes
search my naked body, and the fluid which was still coming from the
lips between my legs. Jerome stepped close to me with a small piece of
tissue paper, and when I didn't immediately take it, he knelt down in
front of me. He reached out his hand to my knee and began to wipe my
release. I squatted slightly, with knees pointing outward, to give him
access to my wet vagina. He moved the tissue paper up one thigh and
down the other, but avoided the source of the wetness. Feeling waves
of pleasure again rising within me, desperately wanting for him to see
all of me, I reached down with both hands, and spread my vaginal lips
wide. He was looing directly at my open vagina, and I moaned loadly,
as I approached another orgasm. Carefully pointing the tissue with an
extented finger he reached shakily to my wet vagina, and touched it's
lower openness. I lost myself to a body shaking climax and had to
reach out to Jerome's shoulders for support. My vaginal lips closed to
the pointed finger, and I tried to lower myself further to it. He
moved slowly up my slit that now was opening to it's touch. In one
continuous movement he completed the length of my passage sliding out
over my hooded clitoris. I was flushed with heat and twitching with
the release of orgasmic waves of pleasure. More fluids ran down my
legs as Jerome continued to stair at my open womanhood. Jerome reached
out slowly with his hand to touch me and my climax came down as
quickly as it arose. It was replaced by shame and embarrassment, and
before his touch reached the parting between my legs, I ran to the
bathroom, trying to cover my nakedness with my hands.

6. Solice

I sat on the toilet and let my embarrassment bring me to
tears. I bent over while sitting and covered my nakedness with my arms
and knees. I was lost and didn't know what to do, my shame of wanton
lust, now overruling my desires. I wanted to run out and hide, but I
would have to face the two black strangers again. Just at that moment
I heard a genle knock at the bathroom entrance. It was Paul, "Are you
okey Miss Susan?" When I didn't answer right away, he walked in
carrying my robe. He placed it around my shoulders and wrapped it
around my shaking body. It felt warm and encompassing. It absorbed
some of the shame and allowed me to speak. "I'm so terrible sorry.
I've never done anything like that before. What you must think of me.
Please forgive me." It came out like a torrent, and Paul reached out
to touch my chin and said, "Miss Susan. What I saw just a few minutes
ago was wonderful. I am so honored to have seen you come out of a very
dark place. You were absolutely beautiful." His words were very
confusing. I thought that I had done something very bad and he was
telling me it was wonderful. "Miss Susan." he said softly and
reassuringly, "You are extremely beautiful, and what you did was
beautiful. Please do not feel ashamed. I only wish that I could have
been more a part of it." Paul's words brought me back, at least to a
point that I started to question myself. His hand lifted my chin and I
felt myself smile. I asked him, "How could any man want a woman so
much out of control? I mean, I couldn't stop myself, and I did this in
front of strangers." "Miss Susan. What happened to you was very
normal. You chose to find your true inner feeling with someone who
wouldn't stop you. You had to do it and I'm so glad you chose us to be
with you. You are a beautiful, fantastic woman, who now can feel proud
of herself for releasing the true passion inside you." I started to
feel so much better and my smile grew and warmed. "Miss Susan. Why not
let us pamper you, and complete this treatment. Cover yourself with
whatever makes you comfortable and please do not let this bother you.
I'll wait for you by the table." Paul left the bathroom and I sat
there wondering what to do. A few minutes later I walked out of the
bathroom and took my robe off and placed it on the bed. Without
looking at either man I walked over to the table and slid myself on
it. I was still totally nude, but I wasn't embarrassed anymore. I
began to relax.

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